066 Buts of Steel: The Small Words That Quietly Shape Every Conversation

The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori 

In the 1980s, there was a workout show called Buns of Steel—but today’s episode isn’t about glutes. It’s about something far more important to your influence, your relationships, and your leadership: your “Buts of Steel.” 

Not the muscles - the frames your language creates. 

Two tiny one-syllable words—and and but—decide what the brain focuses on, how people interpret your message, and whether a conversation opens up…or shuts down.

These words can:

• shift emotional tone,

• start or stop arguments,

• open or close partnerships,

• encourage honesty or shut it down,

• help a leader receive information—or block it out.

This episode dives into how “but” acts like a spotlight + eraser in neurolinguistic programming and why “and” allows two truths to coexist.

More importantly, it shows how using “but” repeatedly can harden into a pattern—a pattern that becomes a habit—

and that habit becomes how people experience you.

That’s what Dr. Tori calls

A “But of Steel.

🔍 The Three Ugly Buts (and How They Derail Influence)

1. Compliment → BUT → Critique

“You did a great job… but the ending felt rushed.”

Effect: 

The compliment gets erased. The critique becomes the only thing that lands.

Fix: 

“You did a great job and it was a little rushed at the end.” Both truths survive.

2. Acknowledge → BUT → Dismiss

“I get what you’re saying… but that’s not how we do things around here.”

Effect: 

This is the death spiral of leadership.

It quietly shuts down ideas, creativity, dissent, and psychological safety.

Repeated often enough, people stop coming to you entirely—no matter how “open-door” you claim to be.

This is one of the most dangerous “Buts of Steel.”

3. Intention → BUT → Obstacle (Self-Talk)

“I want to write more… but I’m never motivated.”

“I want to eat healthier… but the snack bar at work is full of junk.”

Effect: 

You negate your own intention and center the obstacle.

You shine a spotlight on why you can’t take action instead of why you should.

This keeps you stuck—and often convinces you the problem is external.

🌟 The Three Beautiful Buts (When ‘But’ Is the RIGHT Tool)

“But” isn’t always the villain.

Used intentionally, it creates necessary rigid frames—your real Buts of Steel.

1. Setting Boundaries

“I know you’re frustrated, but we don’t speak to our employees that way.”

This is clarity + protection.

A “but” here creates safety.

2. Clarifying Non-Negotiables

A recent example Dr. Tori shares:

A contract for a speaking engagement included an extreme IP clause.

He responded (appropriately) with a but to draw an unmistakable line.

“But” is the right choice when something cannot be compromised.

3. Reaffirming Values & Ethics

“I know everyone’s feeling pressure, but when we cut corners, we make things dangerous.”

Here, “but” reinforces standards and raises the conversation back to values.

When ethics or safety are at stake,

a firm ‘but’ is leadership. 

💥 Why “But” Creates Steel Frames

Dr. Tori explains that:

• “But” erases what came before.

• “But” highlights what comes after.

• “But” breaks a frame and replaces it with a new one.

• Repeated “buts” become patterns, and patterns become habits.

• In leadership or parenting, these habits define what others feel safe sharing with you.

If you consistently use “but” to negate emotions, ideas, or intentions, people learn:

“Don’t bring things to them—they won’t really hear you.” 

Conversely, when used deliberately in the right moments, “but” becomes a necessary tool for clarity, boundaries, and ethics.

🧪 Three Experiments for This Week

Dr. Tori gives three simple, high-impact experiments for you to try:

1. Swap One “Yeah, but…” for a “Yes, and…”

Do it once this week—especially in writing (email or text), where tone is easiest to misinterpret.

2. Flip Compliment → BUT → Critique into Critique → BUT → Compliment

Still use “but,” but reverse the order:

“It was a little rushed at the end, but overall it was phenomenal.”

This preserves the praise instead of erasing it.

3. Use “But” to Set One Boundary

Try a single clear, healthy boundary using “but.”

Practice making the frame firm without being harsh or hostile.

🎯 Final Warning — and an Invitation

If you mindlessly use “but,” you risk forging ugly Buts of Steel—rigid frames that accidentally shut down connection, truth, creativity, and collaboration.

But if you use it intentionally,

you can create beautiful Buts of Steel—the kind that set boundaries, reinforce values, and strengthen relationships.

If you found this episode helpful…

Share it with someone who needs better “buts,” better frames, and better conversations.

Check out HypnoticGiftsBook.com for Dr. Tori’s framework for transformational conversations.

Or apply for coaching to master influence at a deeper level.